Dr. Regier has 30+ years of experience as a licensed psychologist. He provides face-to-face and online couples therapy and individual counseling with offices in San Luis Obispo, California. He uses a HIPAA compliant platform for teletherapy within the state of California.
Are you tired of hurting and feeling alone in your relationship? Do you wonder why he/she shuts down and withdraws? Has the silence become deafening? Have you lost trust in your relationship? If so, it’s probably time for couples counseling.
If you’re in relationship distress or crisis then you need the understanding, safety and support of a skilled marriage therapist. Emotional pain and turmoil in relationships result when needs are not met and trust is lost. When couples don’t know how to calm each other’s painful emotions, they find themselves in a cycle of conflict.
At the Center for Relational Excellence we help couples escape reactive cycles allowing them to connect for a lifetime of love. Counting on learned relationship skills or behaviors is not enough to calm the emotional centers in the brain. Only when the fear of rejection or abandonment has been soothed will the cognitive skills come back on-line.
Couples counseling can save the relationship you’ve worked so hard to build.
Are you looking forward to this year’s Christmas? What are you feeling? Are you feeling happy that you will get to be with your family? Or perhaps sad that there will be no family gatherings at all this year? Or are you just trying to shut down all emotion? Is this really the season for […]
If you’re living and breathing you’ve felt the impact of COVID-19. How has it affected your most important relationship? Have you grown closer and become more connected? Or has it been a struggle? Have you been biding your time, thinking life will return to normal soon? And with that, your relationship will magically get back […]
Are you ready for the truth about what makes relationships work? You have the power to change your life with these 7 keys to successful relationships. The popular press is full of advice that is not proven. Many therapists who do not specialize in couples therapy give lots of common sense solutions for relationship success […]
Are you tired of your partner not hearing or understanding you? Has an emotional or sexual affair threatened your relationship? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing, so you don’t say anything at all? Tired of the same argument over and over? Have you given up on love and a happy relationship? So here’s […]
Get it right from the start! Deciding when to have ‘the talk’ about marriage in relationships is a big deal. And knowing how to have a conversation about getting engaged and married is something everyone wants to get right. Once you’ve progressed through the initial stages of dating and falling in love, and have even […]
Have you ever felt addicted to love? As children become adolescents and move toward young adulthood, there is nothing more captivating, exciting and enticing than the experience of new love. Do you remember your first adolescent experience of having the “hots” for someone? The heart-pounding, overwhelming feelings produced by just seeing this person across the […]
Have you been labeled as a perfectionist? Or are you living with one and they’re making you crazy? Has someone said you had OCD or OCPD? A little perfectionism is a good thing. People who keep their ducks in a row generally do better in life than people who are disorganized. Some jobs and tasks […]
It takes a great deal of contemplation and courage to say, “Yes, I’m ready to find a therapist.” Taking the next step to figure how to find a good therapist to reach out to can feel overwhelming. As can knowing what kind of therapy would be the best type of mental health counseling for you. […]
Have you set personal boundaries in order to protect yourself from being manipulated or violated by others? Or have you been used or hurt because you didn’t have appropriate boundaries in place? Since the mid-80’s, the practice of setting personal boundaries has been popular. What is the link between healthy relationships and setting boundaries? But […]
Does your man shutdown emotionally when you need him the most? Is he in the room but definitely not in the conversation? Do you get frustrated when he doesn’t respond to your need to be heard? Yes, yes and yes! Are you ready for answers to this very common, age-old question. Why does my man […]
Emotional betrayal can be as bad as physical betrayal. And if you’ve lived it, these words will ring true. Though this has been fictionalized, the truth is so real. Take a look. Claire was jolted from a deep sleep as the phone’s annoying tweet faded into the room’s solitude. Who’s texting at this ridiculous hour? […]
Good relationships turn bad. Why is that? Is it something you said or did? Do you wonder why friends are starting to avoid you? Or why you’re feeling negative about people you were once really close to? When healthy relationships cease to be healthy most of us want to know why. And even more so […]
Do you or a loved one suffer with PTSD or CPTSD? You’ve likely heard the term post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. But what is Complex PTSD? And how does it affect relationships? Profoundly…let me explain. CPTSD is a relatively new diagnosis. It was first included in the 11th version of the International Classification of Diseases […]
How to deal with depression in marriage: Have you felt the emotionally paralyzing effect of depression? Have you found yourself in the black hole and wondered how you’ll manage to crawl out? Do you suffer in silence alone, unable to open up with your partner about your pain? Untreated depression is dangerous to you and […]
When your marriage is at risk your most important base of security is threatened. Human beings are wired to pair bond and rely on one special relationship for emotional support. And that means through the ups – and the downs – of life. An unhappy relationship affects your health significantly. It truly does have a […]
Are you in an unhappy marriage? Are you sacrificing your needs in an attempt to fix the relationship? You, like many people may not realize just how an unhappy marriage affects you. Or maybe your bigger question is how to make an unhappy marriage happy again, without ignoring your needs. If you’ve endured years of […]
Unhappy marriage, unhealthy life! There is no doubt about it, humans are wired to be deeply affected by the moods and behaviors of our love partner. When those moods and behaviors tell you that you are not liked or loved, your health will be affected. Regardless of how liberated or self-sufficient you think that you […]
How would you answer these questions? Do you know which ones might have some link to emotional withdrawal? Does your husband accuse you of becoming too emotional? Do his responses to you seem flat and uncaring? Does he run and hide when you need him the most? Is he void of emotion regardless of your […]
Everyone wants their marriage to be fantastic. Unfortunately, they don’t all work out that way. My husband’s and my previous marriages ended in divorce. So we’ve spent the last 10 years really digging into the science of love and healthy relationships for married couples. Not only did we need to understand our failed relationships, […]
Probably half the couples I see in my therapy practice are trying to work through the damage caused by a betrayal. This is a deeply painful topic, especially if it’s effected you personally. Even seeing the words in print – betrayal, cheater, infidelity, affair – will evoke strong, unpleasant emotions in most people. Feelings of […]
Have you found your true love, your soul mate, your twin flame? If so, do you know how to love well on Valentines Day and every other day of the year? Have you found that special someone who will light you up on your darkest day? The one who will be there through thick and […]
Beep, beep, beep! Susan slammed her hand down on the alarm to silence it. The stillness in the room was spoiled by the weighty reality of another long and lonely day. Her husband Mark would be at the office for more than a dozen hours, leaving Susan alone from sunup to sundown… yet again. Is […]
Are you in relationship distress? Are you considering ending your relationship in this New Year? Thinking of divorce? If you’re like many, you toughed your way through the holidays, not wanting to disappoint the kids or other family members during what should be a time of celebration. You put on your best happy face and […]
Are you one who makes and breaks your New Year’s resolutions? You’re not alone. Some studies suggest that 80% of resolutions are broken by the 2nd month of the New Year. If you bother to make New Year’s resolutions, wouldn’t it be great to see them through? Read on for an expert’s tips to successful […]
Has your expectation of a joy-filled family holiday gathering been shattered by last year’s experience? Have family events left you disappointed and disheartened? You are definitely not alone. For some, the wonderful sounds and scents of the holidays stir up dread or apprehension of getting together with the family. I want to share these 9 […]
What do you think of when you hear the word trauma? Most of us associate trauma with a car accident, a natural disaster or with being psychologically damaged in battle. As devastating as these kinds of trauma are, there’s another kind of trauma that affects about 70% of us. Its symptoms are not different than […]
Have you ever been with a man who shut down and became emotionally unavailable when you needed him the most? When you met him he may have been emotionally responsive. Then once you got close and began to express more of your emotions to him, he began to freeze up and get distant. An emotionally […]
Are you a selfish lover? What does the word selfish mean to you? Merriam-Webster defines it like this: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. By this definition, are you a selfish lover? Probably all of us have at least had moments […]
Are you dreading another weekend without plans? Do you wonder why the eligible bachelors keep passing you by? Are you sick and tired of being lonely and just want to fill the hole in your heart with someone meaningful? I get that. Loneliness is real and painful! I’ve been working with a young, successful businesswoman, […]
What kind of relationship education have you gotten over the years? Has it been through experience? From mimicking other couples who appear to be happy? How about from the church? From books? How much time and thought have you given to getting your relationship foundations right from the start? Have you been in miserable relationships […]
I just reviewed this helpful article on looking after our mental health daily and why it’s important. Click on my video for a 3 minute summary. Or, here’s the link to the article: Looking After Our Mental Health on a Daily Basis.
Close your eyes for 20 seconds and reflect on the first time you laid eyes on that special person who eventually captured your heart. What are your early memories of that very significant other to whom you said I will or I do? Was it love at first sight? Did the stars and moon align to […]
I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t want, and expect, loyalty from their partner. A solemn promise, whether before God, friends, family or a Las Vegas Elvis and showgirls, does not make the issue of loyalty a done deal. In this day and age, keeping our eyes on each other is no easy task. But […]
How do new moms find the balance between “ME”, “WE” and baby? When there’s not enough time, energy or resources to do it all, how do you juggle your priorities? ME Time or WE Time, how to make it work? Will your priorities make or break your relationship? Becoming a new mom ushers in a […]
What do women want from their man? And why don’t we get it? One of the biggest questions we get in our therapy practice is this: “Why doesn’t he listen when I’m talking to him?” Are you getting what you want from your man? Do these statements feel familiar? He doesn’t listen to me. He […]
The Essential Ingredient for Lasting Love: What is the one thing that will surely make or break a relationship? Is it arguments about finances, a lousy sex life or poor communication? Too few date nights or not understanding each other’s love languages? Is it too much work pressure or struggles raising kids? What do you […]
Click here to download FREE chapters. Do you know the difference between new-love and established-love brain chemistry? Couples come into my office all the time and compare their established-love relationship to the way they were when they were first in love. This can cause significant relationship problems. New love is actually driven by dopamine which […]
Harvard Study Proves Quality Relationships “Trump” Wealth, Success and Fame for Lifelong Happiness A remarkable 75-year study conducted under the direction of Robert Waldinger (the 4th director over the term of the study) has compared Harvard graduates with Boston residents who grew up disadvantaged. This appears to be the longest study of lifelong happiness. Since […]
Have you trusted and been deeply hurt? If you have known the pain of betrayal, you have also known the fear of fully trusting again. Am I right? Trust may be the most powerful asset we possess and the most difficult and painful to lose. Let’s take a closer look at the 5 Pillars of Trust. […]
Virtually every man who has been in a love relationship has experienced his partner coming at him with critical emotion. Often the “attack” feels completely unwarranted. Understanding these 7 reasons women attack the men they love and how you can respond without a fight is critical to healthy and happy relationship. Are you ready to […]
I think most people on the planet have experienced heartbreak at one time or another. When it comes to love relationships, Attachment Insecurity will often result in Affairs and Addictions…which will likely lead to Heartbreak. Can you relate to Jonathon and Megan’s story of heartbreak? Jonathon swirled the ice cubes in his sparkling soda while […]
Have you lost that loving feeling? Here are 7 Ways to get it back…and keep it! It is no mystery that feelings come and go in relationships. Songs have been lamenting this reality since the beginning of time. But you hear little factual advice about what to do to get your loving feeling back. Where […]
Are you stuck in the trauma of betrayal? Are you unable to move forward in your love relationship? You are not alone! It can feel hopeless to trust again when we have been betrayed by the person we love. Betrayal: Where does it begin? Emotional or sexual affairs Not being present for the delivery of […]
Are you starting over, beginning a new relationship after divorce? Remarriage after one or more failed relationships can be scary, so much so that some say “never again”. Frank Sinatra beautifully sang, “Love is lovelier, the second time around”. Ole Blue Eyes, as well as many of us, have experienced the betrayal in those words. […]
I will never forget the day I sat wide and teary-eyed in my Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) externship. I watched as Sue Johnson, co-founder of EFT, worked live with a couple, exposing us to the EFT process. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. None of my previous therapy training had prepared me […]
Keeping the fires burning and the love alive in marriage may not come naturally. The new-love hormone, dopamine, begins to fade after the first year or two of relationship. What then? How do you keep love alive and your relationship healthy and vibrant? Our brain, memories and emotion: What makes us feel close to each […]
Beth was days away from her storybook wedding. Her excitement about beginning life with the man of her dreams radiated through her giddy smile. All her friends were doing it. And finally it was her turn. What could be wrong with this picture? Only Beth knew of the knot she secretly harbored in her gut. […]
What if you are caught in a cycle of conflict with the person you love and your bad anger is destroying your bond? How do you tame the terrified tiger inside of you? Most intimacy anger is rooted in the fear of losing the person we love. And we often have difficulty admitting to ourselves […]
In Attachment and Violent Anger Part I, I talked about how attachment with caregivers in our early-years causes us to form either a positive trusting view of our selves and others or a view that is negative and mistrustful. Loss of attachment is critically dangerous to human beings. When people trapped in the World Trade […]
What is Tandem Marriage? Merriam Webster defines “tandem” as: a group of two people or things that work together; in partnership or in conjunction. If you have read through some of our previous Tandem Marriage blog posts, you’ll know that Michael and I ride a tandem racing bike, a bicycle-built-for-two. We have covered a bunch […]
How are Attachment and Violent Anger Connected? Understanding the connection between intimacy and anger is important for improving our own relationship, and if you are a therapist like me knowing how to help others. Some couples I work with are so stuck in a cycle of anger that the emotional communication work I normally do […]
I woke in the middle of the night in awe of a Facebook video that I experienced: The Beauty of Being You. At three a.m. I had to drag myself out of bed to pen these thoughts and emotions. I was deeply touched by the beauty of what I experienced. I began to reflect on […]
Admittedly I am envious of the fame and fortune of popular Christian books suggesting a better marriage in 5, 7 or 10 steps. Love languages, respect and his and her needs are all pieces of making great marriage. But so much popular love advice today misses the love language of emotional connection. On a […]
It’s been two and a half years since saying goodbye to my healthy monthly paycheck and joining my husband in full time partnership. On occasion I still wonder if my accomplishments or contributions to our partnership are earning my keep. Am I doing my fair share in furthering our mission and vision? Though I have […]
For those of you who know us, you may have noticed some of the not-so-subtle differences in the way we roll. On the tandem I prefer the gentle rolling hills which nurture and calm my spirit; Michael goes after the big climb in anticipation of the exhilarating decent at 40+ mile-per-hour speeds. Both of our […]
What happens when you get into an emotional conversation with your mate? Do you pursue the other person to try to get him or her to understand the depths of the pain you are feeling? Or do you find yourself being overwhelmed by your partner’s emotion and feel like the best thing to do is […]
What is Emotional Attunement? Emotional attunement is being tuned in to the emotions of others. From the time we are born we need at least one trusted person to help us make sense of our internal and external world. Infants who bond with their mothers look to them for first-line help to navigate physical reality. […]
This past week has taken me off my originally mapped-out course of our book writing project. Running Michael’s busy psychotherapy practice is both rewarding and challenging. Phone calls throughout my day leave me distracted by the sounds of marital crisis. The depth of emotional pain in their pleas for help is sometimes overwhelming. The urgent […]
The seminars ended and the crowd went wild. Then the much too familiar words came: “WHERE IS THE BOOK?” Juggling his busy Couples Therapy practice during a period crammed with seminars, retreats and talks, made book writing time scarce for Michael. Our frustrations grew as the book requests of friends, colleagues and clients reverberated […]
I am leading a new men’s group, attended mostly by men who I have been seeing with their wives in couple’s therapy. Beginning each group with a centering mediation, today I began to focus on the area of embracing our true masculinity. I asked the men to get in touch with who they are as […]
Reflecting this morning on the verse “the son of man did not come into the world to be served but to serve.” Matthew 20:28 This brought to mind the work of Robert Greenleaf who over 100 years ago defined the concept of servant leadership. In his book Essentials he wrote: “The servant-leader is servant first… […]
Have you ever wondered why less than 17% of Americans are able to live into their new years resolutions? Can you guess what the top three resolutions are that Americans make? 1. Loosing weight. 2. Getting organized. 3. Spending less and saving more. What if our resolutions truly lined up with our core values and […]
So many of us idealize the season of Christmas. Neuroscience has taught us that we are created for connection and that our brains crave hugs and warm emotional affirmations. This does indeed bring us happiness and a sense of well being. No matter how old we are we cannot help but wish for the magic […]
New research has found a that inhaling oxytocin decreased decision making time about non-verbal social information in autism spectrum disorder patients (ASD). Oxytocin, known as the cuddle hormone, exists in higher levels in mothers with newborn children and in couples who are connected and sexually active. It is believed to be the hormone that is […]
When I returned to the gym two years ago it had been 30 years since I had lifted weights. Since I would never again play college football I didn’t see the point. But at age 56 when I began falling over when trying to put on my underwear I knew I needed to get with […]
Over the weekend I watched a half marathon and was amazed at the different shapes and sizes of people who crossed the finish line. The first and fastest were gazelle-like creations who seemed to have an effortless bounce in their strides, barely breaking a sweat. Then there was the middle group of older, less prepared, […]
I woke up this morning with the lyrics of Les Miserable circulating through my brain “Who am I…to love another person is to see the face of God”. The truth of these lyrics has been haunting me. Not this morning but over and over again since my first and second experiences with the movie. Who […]
Neuroscience is on the hunt for the essence of what connects us. The evidence is now clear that we are connected with each other emotionally in deeper ways than we have been able to imagine. Louis Cozolino in the book “The Neuroscience of Human Relationships” writes: “There are no single brains…Through the biochemical alchemy of […]
Are you and your partner in sync? Do you do life in tandem? Or have you developed parallel lives? What might a tandem marriage look like for you? Here’s the beginning of our tandem marriage story. I (Paula) was at work when I got the pic on my cell phone…a beautiful red bicycle-built-for-two strapped to […]
There was a whole lot happening for me emotionally before we did that first ride!So wait! We need to back up. Seeing the tandem racing bike for the first time made my heart beat faster. Everything about it looked like a racer even if it was 10 years old. The custom hubs, the Ultegra gearing, […]
What happens in any relationship when one discovers a repressed part of oneself and now has a new passion for life? Such was the case for me (Michael) when I discovered the challenge and excitement of cycling. It felt great to feel my physical strength again. The college linebacker in me could now be expressed […]
As Michael enjoyed his early days of riding solo with the guys, I did my own thing on the home front, waiting for his brief recap at the end of his adventures. His exhaustion and non-detail driven right brain only allowed for summarized recaps. The details I required were often left untold which left me […]
Emotional attunement may be the most important foundation for helping couples overcome obstacles and work together to make great achievements. In couples therapy emotional attunement refers to what John Gottman makes reference to as: awareness, tolerance, non-defensive listening, understanding, and empathy. These qualities, he argues, inspire confidence in couples, and the sense that despite the […]
One of the most difficult types of organizations to work with is one which is controlled by what I call “brag and bash leadership.” It does not take a lot of looking around to notice leaders with a very black and white view of the “good and bad” people within their sphere of influence. They […]
A number of years ago I talked with a group of executives about how the emotions of the top leaders in an organization affect the whole emotional tone of the organization. While this finding reported in the Harvard Business Review intuitively made sense to me I didn’t understand at the time what the mechanism was […]
My (Paula) attention is often peaked when people use the word “drama” to define their behavior. It seems to me to be a word that dismisses the reality of emotion. Having been around little girls between the ages of 3 and whatever, I do understand the origin of the word’s misuse; however the overuse of […]
Bill, an operations manager of a technology manufacturing company, was seeking coaching to improve his leadership of his team leaders without using command and control tactics. His use of fear and intimidation had created a work environment that resulted in those reporting to him either avoiding him or being overly dependent on him for fear […]
When Michael and I met, I had been enjoying leisurely bicycle rides on my hybrid 18-speed bike. Michael being bike-less and our wanting to enjoy the sport as a couple, he began the arduous mission of bike research. Feeling certain that my hybrid equipment (kind of a cross between road and mountain bike) would also […]
Clients continue to come to me who have the notion that no one will be harmed if they enter into an adult consenting sexual relationship. A woman told me that she needed to get into a relationship to survive the pain of leaving the love of her life. She saw no problem in “using” the […]
Can you imagine what it is like being on a bicycle with the one you love, both clipped into the pedals and joined to the machine as one, barreling down mountain roads as fast as some cars? Can you imagine being the captain of a tandem racing bike having all of the responsibility to steer, […]
The books “Good to Great” and “Tribal Leadership” define five different levels of leadership, with L5 being the most advanced level. The authors of Tribal Leadership describe L5 thinking by the theme “life is great” and by the mood “innocent wonderment.” In their study of corporate cultures they found that only two percent of companies […]
We live in the most exciting and revolutionary age in the history of human kind. Communication is the fabric of unity. The more we talk, the quicker we will do away with antiquated ways of thinking and behaving, ways that crush the human spirit. A new era is dawning on our definition of leadership success. […]
As a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, Dr. Regier will help you learn how to stop your negative cycle of arguing. He’ll help you to re-establish trust in your love relationship. You’ll learn how to meet your partner’s emotional needs and rebuild attachment bonds. Stop feeling alone or rejected in marriage. With EFT you’ll find the love and security you need in order to live happy authentic lives.
Dr. Regier provides expert couples counseling, therapy and relationship education for families and individuals.
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