How To Love Well On Valentines Day And Every Other Day
Have you found your true love, your soul mate, your twin flame? If so, do you know how to love well on Valentines Day and every other day of the year?
Have you found that special someone who will light you up on your darkest day? The one who will be there through thick and thin? That guy who will still love you on your really bad hair days, or when you’re so stressed from work or the kids that you want to crawl into a hole and never come out? He’s your best friend. Someone who thinks you’re lovable even when you’re super crabby. Have you found that precious soul to spend the rest of your life with? Someone to love well on Valentines Day and every other day of the year?
Whether you’re in a wonderful love relationship now, or still looking for your soul-mate, let’s learn to love well on Valentines Day and every other day of the year. What would that look like?
Loving well is about emotional connection:
Being able to love well requires a secure emotional connection with your partner. Attachment theory suggests that infants will only thrive if securely bonded with a parent, usually a mother.
Adult attachment research has shown the same is true for adult relationships. Infants and adults who are loved unconditionally feel secure in their own skin, and in the world around them. If that’s you, then look out world! If you are choosing a relationship based on secure emotional connection you will be a world changer.
A healthy adult love relationship requires a secure emotional bond. When we have a secure emotional connection with our lover, our relationship can flourish. An insecure emotional connection will result in conflict, cyclical arguments and mistrust. Emotionally insecure adult relationships are vulnerable to infidelity, emotional and sexual affairs (betrayals), addictions and divorce. Without a secure emotional connection you are knocking on the door of heartbreak and heartache.
When we’re in a securely attached relationship, our hearts and minds actually shift, making compromise and sacrificial love seem second nature. We become other-focused. We no longer need the world to revolve around us. We no longer need to cling to our independence in fear of losing our self. The reverse is actually true. We will become our true selves in the arms of another.
So practically speaking, what does loving well look like?
Loving well is about accessibility:
It’s being available and accessible to our partner. Life is busy. I know the world must be spinning faster than ever. But we’ve got to slow it down and make time for our primary relationships. Many of us are more attentive to our co-workers than we are to our lovers. That’s trouble we’ll talk about another time. But come on, work is work and should never take priority over your partner.
Feeling our partner’s heart:
Loving well is hearing and feeling our partner’s heart and responding appropriately. Many men are problem solvers. They find it easier to find a solution than to sit and be emotionally supportive. It takes practice. But usually that’s what women want and need. Loving well is about responding to your lover’s fear or struggle with a hug and a look into her eyes that says, OMG, that must feel awful. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
Your presence is her present:
And whether it’s Valentines Day or any other day of the year, loving well is being all in, all there, all present to your lover. Put down the cell phone, turn off the t.v. and turn off the kids if you can. Sit side-by-side and give your all to the one who is your all. Look into her eyes. Hold her hand. Tune out the world for just a few minutes and feel each other’s presence. Life’s responsibilities will be there when you check back in with the world. But for now, it’s your time to be alone, to be each other’s priority.
William Shakespeare said, “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” I call that loving well.
So whether it’s Valentines Day or any other day of the year, love well. You will become your best self and as a couple, you will begin to change the world. Love is our destiny and we all deserve to find it and embrace it. I love what Thomas Merton, theologian, mystic and writer said, “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” I believe we will indeed become our best self, while in a love relationship with another. So let’s learn to love well on Valentines Day and every other day.
If you are struggling in your relationship we can help point you toward helpful resources. Dr. Michael Regier is a relationship expert with extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. He helps individuals navigate through the challenges of finding and keeping a soul mate and lifetime love. Give us a call to learn more about our relationship services.
Paula Regier writes about relationship – love and heartache. She and her husband Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. are authors of the book Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love and a relationship education e-course.