Marriage Counseling – San Luis Obispo, CA

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The Science of New Love

Clients continue to come to me who have the notion that no one will be harmed if they enter into an adult consenting sexual relationship. A woman told me that she needed to get into a relationship to survive the pain of leaving the love of her life. She saw no problem in “using” the new relationship, with no intention of continuing for the long-term, because of her disclosure up front that she was not ready to commit to anyone new.

Thousands of years of wisdom literature has forbidden causal sex outside of a lifelong covenant. Today much of this literature has been traded for an “open” spirituality that refuses to acknowledge the biological boundaries that must be respected for us to become whole loving people.

The code for sexual monogamy is written within the very fabric of our DNA. The pull to use others to activate the rush of dopamine that floods us like a cocaine high is ever present. We are indeed wired to experience this incredibly powerful high whenever a new person to whom we are attracted allows us to press our flesh against theirs. Our entire nervous system is immediately activated by even the talk of such an event occurring. Our hearts begin to race, we may perspire, and we become obsessed with the flood of intoxicating feelings that will result from the sexual merger.

There is nothing volitional or controllable about what happens when two people who are attracted to each other begin to even give a hint of sexual openness to each other.

There is indeed something momentous that happens when we enter into a shared dopamine-induced semi-hallucinatory experience with a new lover. This “drug” produced sense of wellbeing and trust takes us over and compels us to share deep personal heart knowledge that we would never give to anyone who we cannot trust.

Our emotions are the deepest regulators of our hopes and dreams for the future. The illusion that we can wall ourselves off from the emotions produced by new sex is dangerous. Those who have mastered the ability to shut off the dopamine-produced desire to trust are sexual addicts who live from one orgasm to the next seeking to fill their sense of emptiness.

Only addicts believe that they can control themselves while under the influence. Undeniable danger looms for those agreeing to have such an experience with anyone looking to use others as a temporary fix. In contrast, a sacred place awaits for two people who consent to letting go of control and trusting the tenderness of their hearts to each other.


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